limits

I am learning Middle Eastern dance, also known as belly dancing. The dance is fun, the costumes are colorful and the history is interesting. I love dance because it is a form of beauty and creative expression. There are two levels in this type of dance class, the first is purely instructional (this is the class I am involved in) and the second is performance oriented.

If you’ve ever experienced Middle Eastern dance, you’ll quickly realize it is sensual. Historically, Middle Eastern women danced only for other women, not for men. This is not the case in America. The performance class does not restrict their audience to women only. There is no bouncer at the door escorting men off the premises. A man watching this type of dance may enjoy it, a little too much. For this reason, my husband and I feel that if I were to become involved in performances of this dance, it would be a bad thing for us.

For some reason this reality was frustrating to me last week. I didn’t know if I would ever actually want to participate in the performance dance class, but I knew I wanted the option to. I felt it was unfair that I should be limited in my pursuit of a beautiful art form. I vented about it to my husband, who listened patiently and said little (smart man, isn’t he?).

In the shower as I was thinking, I sensed God doing his gentle nudging thing. A question entered my mind… “Will you limit yourself?”

Immediately, I thought of Jesus. Jesus limited himself by coming to earth to live among us, and he continued to limit himself the entire time he resided with us in the flesh. He was God and he allowed himself to need parents to care for him. He confined himself to a human body, with a need for food and sleep. He had the authority to command angels, and he gave that up. He was God and he allowed human beings to mock him, beat him and eventually kill him. Jesus limited himself for our sake.

I love Jesus and want to emulate all he does, because I believe he is the wisest and truest being ever to live. I believe his is the path to true life. If he limited himself, I am willing to do it too.

So though I am free to dance for anyone I wish, I will choose to limit myself because Jesus asked it of me. He didn’t command me or make me, he just asked me.

That’s his way.

Phil. 2:5-8 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!

hurt

What do you do when you get hurt?

I don’t like getting hurt. When I get hurt, I recoil. The urge to run away is strong. And after I run, I build a fortress. Brick by brick I build a wall around my heart as a defense against pain. That’s my tendency.

Pain just hurts. I don’t like it. But as much as I try to escape it, pain finds me eventually. Pain finds us all, eventually.

Recently, I experienced an argument with someone I love. Words were said and some of those words hurt. In the middle of the conflict, I just left. I took a walk, and I talked with God as I walked. I escaped the situation. I don’t know if that was the best way to approach it, but I know it diffused my frustration and it helped me step away from the conflict and engage with God. I have experienced anger often enough to know that things I say in anger have a lasting impact, an impact that can be very damaging to the person and the relationship. I don’t want to hurt the people I love.

Later, as I bathed my youngest daughter I reflected on the conflict. God tends to choose these times of quiet reflection to gently nudge me. I sensed him asking me a question. “What will you do with the hurt?”

I thought about that. I want to add another brick to my fortress. I want to escape the pain. But I know there is a better way, it’s just… harder.

Mark Beeson says “hurt people hurt people.” And he’s right. We do. I do. I hurt people. If every person I am in relationship with runs away from me after I hurt them, I am going to be left alone. If I run away from every person who hurts me, eventually I’ll end up… alone.

So somehow, I’ve got to put it behind me. Somehow I need to resist the impulse to stack a brick on my wall. If I want to further this relationship and develop it and nurture it and see it grow, I can’t lock my heart away behind a prison of bricks. I need to knock down my wall. That’s hard to do. And I’m not sure I know how yet…

Prov. 4:23 Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.

love affair

I am entangled in a love affair… with two men.

The first man is one in whom I find the embodiment of everything hopeful and good. He is quick to forgive, loving and trustworthy. His love transforms me. He helps me see truth more clearly. He sees me as so much more than I think I am. He is the most intelligent man I’ve ever known, and he wants to revolutionize the world.

I met this man when my days were darkest, when it seemed all lights had gone out. He was a light to me, shining out of the darkness.

And though he loves me dearly and he assures me he is always there for me, there are times when I can’t seem to find him. I look for his reassuring words and his comforting embrace, but they escape me. There are times when he is all but invisible to me – I cannot look into his eyes, nor can I touch his face or feel his hands in mine.

The second man I am in love with is strong, wise and kind. He was one of the first to reveal the meaning of unconditional love.

He too is quick to forgive, loving and trustworthy. His love is changing me. He sees something special and beautiful in me. We talk and we laugh and we cry. He is my companion, my confidant, my best friend. And though at times we disagree, and even hurt each other, I can always hear his words in my ear and feel his strong arms around me.

So have you guessed who these lovers are?

The first is Jesus, the One who redeemed me, the lover of my soul. He is my Lord and always will be. The second is Thane, my husband. He is also the lover of my soul and we are committed to each other until death parts our ways.

Jesus reveals His love to me personally. And He also reveals His love through my husband. Jesus chooses Thane to be a primary vessel for expressing His unconditional love. But the vessel can choose to give that love, or withhold it. I am thankful that my husband isn’t stingy with his love. He helps me know the love of Christ, and I am better for it.

1 John 4:7-9 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

tears

We received communion last Thursday. Sometimes during communion, I like to look at the people around me. So many different people approach the cup and the bread. I find myself wondering what brought them to this place? How did they find the courage to allow God into their hearts? What pain have they suffered?

But last Thursday, my attention was captured not by the people receiving the bread of life, but by one offering it. She was serving, and she was crying.

I believe she was crying because she experienced a moment of clarity. She was alive and aware of what was taking place, and she was riveted in the beauty of the moment. She was still weeping when my turn came to receive the bread. She offered it to me, and I took it. Moved by her compassion, I kissed her cheek. She was beautiful. When confronted with beauty, people do unexpected things.

I have a friend who is full of passion and energy. You should see her talk when she is excited. You can’t help but be caught up in it. But it’s been tough for her lately. She is suffering. The last time I saw her, she was crying. We embraced and we cried.

Tears of joy… tears of pain. Tears speak in a language that nothing else can emulate. When you have no words, your tears intercede for you. When you allow your tears to be seen, you allow the one who sees them to see a piece of your soul.

Jesus deeply loved his friends, and wept for one who was dead.
John 11:35 Jesus wept.

Does God collect our tears?
Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in your bottle…

Why must we sometimes sow in sorrow to reap in joy?
Ps. 126:5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.

God saw the tears of Hezekiah and granted him fifteen more years of life.
Is. 38:5 …I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears…

Luke 7:36-50 reveals a stunning portrait of love between a woman and her Savior.
Luke 7:38 and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet, and anointing them with the perfume.

death to life

I had come to the end of myself.

If you ever take the road of self and actually make it to the end, you’ll find the hype doesn’t live up to the reality. That road leads nowhere.

It was a pivotal moment, a turning point in my life.

My dream world runs parallel to my spiritual life. A truth became clear in a dream…

I’m young and unwritten, for the most part. My life lies before me. Picture me flying over a highway. I’m feeling the rush of air in my face and feeling the freedom of flight. Next to me is a car. I look inside the car and I see an old woman. She’s driving on this highway, nearing the end of her life, and the sun is shining and the world is passing by outside her vehicle and she doesn’t seem to notice any of it. Then, she turns to look at me. Her eyes are pools of darkness, utterly black. They contain no hint of color, no current of emotion.

She is simply empty. Her physical body is alive, but her soul is dead.

Here’s the truth hidden in this dream: if I continued my journey on the road of self, that old, battered woman was going to be me… physically alive, spiritually dead.

Trying to live life by my own rules was not working. I was drowning in a river of despair, and I knew that no matter how hard I swam I could not pull myself out of it. That despair threatened to ravage my soul.

But I was intercepted. God presented me with a way out. He offered a way from death to life.

So, I exited the road of self and entered a new path, and the journey continues…

John 5:24 Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

watch these women

I have a couple of insightful, genuine, funny, compassionate, simply AMAZING friends. These women are real. They are transparent. They trust. They love.

Stephanie... I told her about my newly formed idea of maybe, possibly, writing a blog. Her response was to go for it. She told me she would read it. She thinks I have something to say. She sees something valuable in me.

Heather... I told her that I’ve stopped dreaming. Just didn’t see any point anymore after the brokenness and failure in my past. She heard that. She spoke to that. She saw the lie in it and pointed me toward truth. She sees that God breathed a dream into me when He created me.

I love these women. They add value to my life. They inspire me to reach higher, to dive deeper. They reflect the heart of God.

For the past few months we’ve gathered together. We’ve talked and laughed and listened. Through the intersection of our lives and the fruit of our conversations, this blog is born.

1 Sam. 18:1 …”the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”